Art of Starting Over: Who Stays, Who Goes, and Finding Your New Tribe

When it comes to starting over, many people delay because they don’t want to go alone. They wait for someone else to be on their starting over journey so they can go together. But it’s rare that others are going through the same thing you’re going through, so eventually you realize you’re going to have to go alone.

When I say go, you may not be leaving your location physically, but you’ll need to leave mentally and emotionally.

There are ways to make it less lonely if you learn how to navigate relationships in a different way. When starting over, we can spend a lot of time thinking about where we’re going, what we’re building, and even on what we don’t want. But we don’t always think about what it takes to maintain relationships while starting over.

Maintaining relationships can be one of the hardest parts of the journey.

You already know starting over can be lonely and that’s what’s getting in the way of you doing it. It’s mainly lonely because things start to shift and not everyone can shift with you. 

Your address, job, and marital status can change. The way you spend your time changes. Your priorities change. Your schedule changes. Your overall environment changes too. Mostly because of what’s going on inside of you, but it starts to reflect outside of you.

And when that happens, relationships feel it.

Sometimes the old crew doesn’t fit your new lifestyle. Sometimes they don’t understand what you’re doing. And sometimes, you don’t have the time or the inclination to explain yourself.

That doesn’t make them bad people, and it doesn’t make you wrong. It just means you’re changing and they aren’t, at least not in the same way you are. Change makes many people uncomfortable, and they may push away from you to escape the discomfort.

There are also times when you realize that the old group may have been part of what was holding you back. Not intentionally, but if fear or familiarity is the foundation of the group, it can be hard to grow inside of it. Expansion comes with some uncertainty and some unknowns that can be scary and, for sure, unfamiliar.

But even when the old crew is willing to move forward with you, life still gets in the way. There are time zone differences, work schedules, family responsibilities, and different expectations about how relationships should function.

Someone close to me once said that I should be important enough to them that we shouldn’t have to schedule time to talk. They should just be able to call me whenever and I pick up.

I told them, “You are that important to me. That’s why I want to schedule with you so I don’t miss your call.” Starting over forces you to be more intentional, not less. But that may seem impersonal to some people.

Especially the surface friends. Surface relationships aren’t going to be important enough for you to schedule, and because it takes a lot of energy and memory to spontaneously connect with them, you’ll likely lose those relationships.

Those are usually the first to go.

And that’s not really a loss, but it can feel strange. You might feel like you need to make an announcement or explain why you’re not as available or present. There are people who deserve that explanation, but there are those who don’t. In the beginning, you’ll find yourself over-explaining, but because you’ll come off like the bad guy, you’ll stop doing it eventually. 

You’ll feel like you owe everyone a goodbye.

You don’t.

Some relationships were seasonal. They served a purpose at a certain time in your life. They got you to where you are now. And that matters when you are looking at the past, but not when you are planning your future. Loss is inherent in starting over. We’ve talked about that before. You’ll have to prepare yourself for loss. Loss of personal possessions and relationships. Those people and things were there at the right time, but times are changing.

So they may not be meant to go with you where you’re going next.

What’s important is that you don’t become judgmental as you grow. Your new way of life isn’t right for everyone. It’s just right for you. Most people prefer the familiar. They want life to stay the same. Starting over is for people who are curious enough to explore the possibilities.

Some people will leave you, some will go with you, and then there is also a middle ground.

Some people don’t want to live the life you’re living, but they find it fun to just live vicariously through you. They’re not intimidated or jealous of you. They are happy for you and happy to hear your stories. This can be fun for both of you.

But it only works if it goes both ways.

You have to be just as curious about their life as they are about yours. Even if they’re taking the same traffic-filled highway to work every day and going to the same place every Friday night, ask about it. Be interested. Be present.

Because connection is about mutual attention. People just want to be heard. You don’t have to be sitting on the bar stool next to them. You can be 8,000 miles away. If you show interest in them, they will feel the love, and so will you.

Letting go of old friends and maintaining foundational relationships is one part of the friendship puzzle, but if this is really going to work, you’ll need a way to make new friends.

This part can be fun, but it can also be disappointing.

Sometimes you meet someone and you feel like there’s a connection. You have great conversations. You spend time together. You think, “This could be a real friendship.”

And then… nothing. You feel like you’re 10 years old at a new school trying to find your way. The mean girls are still out there. They are everywhere. If they didn’t get therapy, they are still as mean as they were back then and, in some cases, meaner.

But not everyone is mean. Some just aren’t that into you. Lol! As wonderful as you might be, they just may not see it. I met a woman in Monaco who asked me a lot of questions about Financial Therapy. We talked for hours. She told me about her life. She even introduced me to her husband.

To me, that means something.

If a woman trusts you enough to introduce you to her husband, she must feel safe with you. At least that’s how I see it. As a Financial Therapist who specializes in men’s work, I take that trust very seriously. I get a lot of referrals from wives, and I am always honored when they put that kind of trust in me. So sometimes I think things mean more than they really do. I can be naive in that way.

I thought we were building a friendship.

I reached out to her week after week. She was always busy. Something with her daughter. Something with her husband. Something with her business. I was always polite and understanding. I told her I’d check in soon. I kept checking in, but she was never available.

Eventually she said, “You are so persistent. I have to tell you, I don’t have room for any new friends in my life right now.”

I said, “Okay. Thank you for telling me. I wish you would have said that sooner, but I appreciate your honesty.”

She didn’t respond. And I never reached out again.

If I happen to see her around town, I’ll still speak and be kind. I didn’t take her preference personally. Mainly because my naivety makes me believe everyone will eventually see my heart and become my friend. 

My mother taught me that if someone doesn’t like me, it’s because they haven’t gotten to know me. One day she may have the chance to get to know me and “voilà,” we’ll be friends, if I still see the beauty in being her friend, that is.

I know I am an outstanding friend. And for the people who are in my life, there are a lot of benefits to that. I also have my quirks. My laid-back attitude can be irritating to some and refreshing to others. I cherish the ones who find me refreshing. 

You’ll find the people who find you refreshing, but it may take some time and patience. Making friends while starting over is an art. I’m getting better at it, but it took some time.

If you are sensitive, it can wear on you. People will forget to ask about you. They will forget you exist. They will not always make the effort. So you have to find your tribe. Find the people who will check on you. People who will invite you into their lives. People who will celebrate with you and share their real lives with you, the wins and the losses. Not just call you when they are down, but tell you when they are up too.

And while you’re building that, you’ll have to get creative about how to stay connected.

I used to talk to my best friend every day. Now we talk about once a month. I experienced some grief when this first happened, but I’m used to it now. We agreed that in between phone calls we’d leave each other audio messages throughout the week. Our time zones are so different, so there is only a small window of overlap. So we promised each other that we’d leave a message when we thought of each other. 

You have to adopt things like this, otherwise you begin to think they don’t care and they think you don’t either. This is our way of letting each other know we care. It’s not the same, but we are making the effort, and that’s what matters most.

I chose a life that creates distance, so I accept that I may have to put in more effort than others. The only person who puts forth the same amount of effort I do is my mother. She’s the best and even though most people would say of course, she should, she’s your mother. I still feel honored that she wakes up every morning and lets me know. 

I noticed that some people give very little effort for whatever reason, and I had to decide how to respond to this. I’ve decided they are doing the best they can. I accept that. But it doesn’t mean I have to work harder to get their attention.

I put in the effort that feels fair, and I communicate that. If they need more, they can say so. We can discuss what it will take for us to connect more and if we are willing to do more. This is usually not a priority for me. If someone isn’t willing to make an effort, but they want me to make all the effort, I bow out gracefully.

There is so much more that I need to share with you when it comes to relationships. This blog was just about friendship, but there are so many more relationships that will start over when you decide to.

The one relationship that matters the most is the one you have with yourself, and that takes work to maintain as well. I’ll give you a few tools to help you start over without losing the best parts of you.

We’ll get into how to navigate dating and marriage, parenting and connecting with your own parents, creating or staying connected to your extended family, and even your community. I have friends now in different countries, some of whom I feel like are family. Their children call me auntie, and we share deep, intimate things about ourselves.

You don’t think you’ll make these kinds of friends as an adult, but you can. Even if you didn’t grow up on the same block or go to high school together, you can still grow into the next chapter together.

Because starting over will test all your relationships, be prepared to pass some of those tests and to fail others. I’ll give you some tools to make it manageable. Relationships aren’t easy to maintain when you are starting over. But with communication, curiosity, and a tolerance for solitude, you will get through it.

And eventually…

You’ll find your people as well as yourself. I started my tribe, I’ll tell you about it soon.