A Brain-Based Approach to Conquering What’s Keeping You Up

By Kiné Corder, MA

Sleep is one of the most natural things in the world—until it isn’t.

Many of us find ourselves lying awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering why sleep seems so hard to come by now. The house is quiet, the bills are paid, the bed is comfortable… and still, we toss and turn.

Maybe you thought things would calm down after retirement, or at least once the kids were grown and gone. But instead of peace, you’re left with racing thoughts, a lingering sense of unease, or the heavy feeling that time is moving too fast—and you’re not quite sure what to do with the time you have left.

You can blame it on aging, loneliness, but the truth is even though there may be a thousand things keeping you up at night, there's only one reason you can’t sleep. Your brain doesn’t feel safe. 

Why Safety Matters More Than Silence

Even if your doors are locked, your body is fed, and your home is still, your brain may not register safety the way you expect. That’s because safety isn’t just about the external world—it’s also about how your nervous system interprets your internal world.

And for many of us, that inner world is full of quiet concerns:

• “Will my grandkids be okay out in this world?”
• “Have I done enough with my life?”
• “What’s next for me, really?”
• “What will they remember most about me?”
  
  

These questions may not scream, but they whisper at night. They tap into something deeper than logic—into the very wiring of the brain that prioritizes connection, relevance, and emotional security. When those needs feel threatened, even subtly, your body reacts as though you’re in danger. That’s why you can’t fall—or stay—asleep.

The Three Layers of the Brain That Disrupt Sleep

Your brain is a beautifully layered system. To understand your sleeplessness, you have to understand how these layers operate:

1. The Conscious Brain: Still Checking the List

Your mind might be juggling a list of concerns:

• “Did I take my medication?”
  
  
• “I have to remember to call the insurance company”
  
  
• “The furnace is making that noise again, I’ll need to get it repaired soon”
  
  

This is your conscious brain working overtime. It’s the taskmaster that struggles to turn off when there’s always “just one more thing” to think about. If you're lying in bed mentally sorting through to-do’s and can’t fall asleep, you're likely stuck in this part of the brain.

2. The Subconscious Brain: Where Worry Lives

This is the part of your brain that doesn’t always speak in words—it speaks in feelings. It harbors emotions you haven’t had time to sit with: grief over a lost spouse or sibling, guilt for not calling your adult children more, the frustration for them not calling you enough, or the worry that you're no longer needed.

When you fall asleep, but awake a few times at night tossing and turning with an unsettled feeling, this is likely your subconscious trying to process what was never spoken aloud.

3. The Unconscious Brain: The Keeper of Your Core Beliefs

This is the oldest and deepest part of your brain—the part that stores ideas like:

• “If I’m not busy, I’m not valuable.”
  
  
• “People my age become invisible.”
  
  
• “What is this world coming to?”
  
  

You may be awakened at 3am because there is a message for you to help you answer these questions, but sleep deprivation may be keeping you from tuning into it. You may not even realize that most of these things are completely out of your control, they’re embedded in your unconscious, so they create a chronic feeling of disconnection and fear. And when the unconscious is activated, sleep becomes a luxury your brain thinks it can’t afford.

The Real Threat: Disconnection

The human brain is hardwired to seek two things: survival and connection. If either one is threatened—even by aging, job loss, retirement, or changes in family dynamics—your brain shifts into protective mode.

That’s why so many older adults, even those who’ve “done everything right,” can feel unsteady in this phase of life. You might have a full calendar of events and still feel deeply alone. You might be celebrated in your career and still wonder if you’ve made a lasting impact.

That sense of emptiness is not a character flaw. It’s your brain asking:
“Where do I belong now?”
“Who still needs me?”
“What’s my purpose going forward?”

And until your brain feels like it has a safe answer to those questions, sleep will remain inconsistent.

A New Approach to Sleep: Recalibrating Your Nervous System

Most sleep advice focuses on external tweaks—better mattresses, blackout curtains, or less caffeine. Those things help, but they don’t touch the core issue: your nervous system doesn’t feel secure.

To sleep well, your brain needs to feel calm, connected, and cared for—throughout the day, not just at night. That means building a lifestyle that supports emotional safety. Here's one easy way to start:

Try This: Use a Sound Machine for Melodic Distraction

If your mind won’t stop looping old conversations or future fears, try using soft, ambient noise to interrupt the pattern. Sound machines with rain, ocean waves, or white noise can give your brain something non-threatening to focus on.

It’s a small step, but it trains the nervous system to relax by creating an environment of predictability and calm.

Where We’re Headed

This is the first in a series of conversations we’ll have about sleep, safety, and the stories your brain is still holding onto. In the next three blogs, we’ll dive deeper into how each part of the brain influences your rest—and what you can do to calm your system from the inside out. I’ll also be sure to list one tip that you can start using immediately. 

Here is a set of mantras that will help with your sleep. Click here

For now, just remember:
Your brain is not broken.
It’s trying to protect you.

And with the right tools, it can learn to feel safe again—so rest can return with ease.